


'never supposed to be'

by spheeris1



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 14:07:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spheeris1/pseuds/spheeris1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex POV, drabble, pre-prison drug angst // You were never supposed to be this kind-of girl, were you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	'never supposed to be'

~ ~

You were never supposed to be this kind-of girl, were you?

A back against the wall, bare legs still open even though the sex is over – gorgeous lady grinning as she walks down the street, high as fuck off the drugs you gave her and with a pretty silver bracelet around a pale wrist – and you were never supposed to be this kind-of girl, were you?

Always a pitcher, never a catcher; always a killer, never gonna get killed.

Right?

/

_Alex rolls her head to the side, eyes trailing over the darkened skyline outside of her twenty-story window, and she used to think of this city – this city that she could own if she wanted to, if she played her damn cards right – as the diamond she had been chasing all along._

_She’s been digging for so long now, digging out of cheap shoes and digging past the stigma of a bastard child; digging and digging until she could find something worth polishing._

_And her mother never asked questions, though they lingered heavily over Saturday lunches and brushed against Alex’s cheek like a curious Christmas morning kiss. But the bills were getting paid and that rust-bucket was hauled away and gone was the cramped, smelly efficiency apartment…_

_Alex had found the gift horse, hadn’t she?_

_Neither one of them were about to look it in the mouth._

/

What was once warm is now cold and you were never supposed to be this kind-of girl, were you?

And heavy arms push on a floor that keeps falling away and you laugh as you tilt sideways – moving but not, going somewhere but standing still – and it should all feel better than this, shouldn’t it?

You’ve sold enough, you’ve seen enough, so you should know… oh you should know better, shouldn’t you?

But what was once warm is now cold, smiles all fading away like they never fucking existed…

…and you were never supposed to be this kind-of girl, were you?

Always in control, never out of hand; always a dealer, never a junkie.

Right?

/

_“You are such a pillow princess sometimes…”_

_And the words leave Alex’s mouth and echo off the walls and it is just another woman in her bed – writhing and moaning and breaking apart – but for a split second it was Piper and that’s enough to make Alex thrust a bit harder, thrust a bit faster, and she’d like to make it hurt like her heart still does…_

_…but the woman likes that little bit of pain and Alex finally wakes up._

_And it is a glassy-eyed stare that watches the woman get dressed, slack lips that do not kiss so much as they press without passion, and the sweet silence of coming down._

_God, she really fucking hates coming down, too._

_Because that’s when she remembers and remembering isn’t worth a damn thing and her arm is a highway now, so she takes another trip. Because she hates remembering because remembering isn’t worth a damn thing and her life is a mess now, so why not enjoy it?_

_And Alex has learned to love the sting anyway._

/

…You were never supposed to be this kind-of girl, were you?

Strung out and shaking, desperate and stupid, tripping over your own shortcomings every time you try to walk away.  
Sad and lonely, fingers hovering over numbers you used to call, wishing and wanting but too scared to reach out.  
Missing that mother and missing that lover, angry at yourself and then apathetic, and you were never supposed to be this kind-of girl…

…were you?

You were never supposed to end up this way.

/

_Alex doesn’t usually cry and yet this party is going on without her as she sobs in the bathroom, needle held in her fist like weapon, and when she was a child tears were just lost raindrops…_

_…but now, now Alex is the one lost…_

_…and this city was supposed to be hers and her mother was supposed to still be alive and Piper was supposed to stay and things were never supposed to end up this way…_

/

…Right?

/

(end)


End file.
